Duende Diary (VI)
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Photo: USA Really

Duende Diary (VI)


August 4th

I have seen a strange man going over to see his mistress for about a week, and I don't like it. We have to do something about it. I asked the cat to piss in his shoes. He refused at the beginning, but in return I promised him to get his toy which has been stuck under the sofa. He agreed. It's really nice to watch TV, and it's never too late to learn something from mankind.

The Ku Klux Klan, for example, is suspected of recruiting children into their ranks with flyers aimed at children and candy.

The Ku Klux Klan has embarked on a recruitment campaign in upstate New York in recent months with using flyers and Snickers candy bars. The recruitment efforts are targeting young people in New York against their will.

The cat was got locked in the storage room again. It is obvious he resents me for it, he says I'm a provocateur. He is threatening to take revenge. It was funny at first, and then I saw the article in the newspaper 'Mirror' and began to wonder. They wrote that a Public toilet in Salisbury “may have been used by Russian agents to prepare the deadly ‘Novichok’.

That's what 'Novichok' is made of! I thought it needed a secret base or laboratory. Guess not! An ordinary toilet will do well enough. I guess I have to make up with the cat. I am not sure if it is capable of producing 'Novichok', but it is really angry. And not without reason, it has gotten locked in a storage room multiple times..

August 5th

I frightened the man's mistress tonight, and in response she told her freak lover with dreadlocks about me. He decided to stay with her for the night in order to protect her. Guy thinks he is Rambo! He has a manicure, a chest wax, and every morning spends a half on hour on his hair. We will see if he can protect her, he can't do anything but throw tantrums. Men today are a mess and waste their energy on nonsense.

For example, an unknown man smashed a woman's car at a Nashville gas station for reportedly refusing a man’s advances. She refused to give him her number. What a fucking Knight! Typical man-child. It is called infantilism. These men hide behind mama until retirement, and cannot think for themselves. If mom refuses to buy them a toy they react by throwing a tantrum. He reacts the same way now as he did when he was a kid...

August 6th

I shook up the jerk my neighbor has been seeing. He was bugging me, I can't stand him. It seemed like my efforts worked. Rambo got scared. To consolidate the effect I made threatening sounds and asked the parrot to mimic the laugh of a former master who was an asthmatic. In the morning Rambo disappeared like an magician. Only his unpleasant smell was left …

I had almost no time to enjoy the quiet; the parrot then came up to me and said that he has found his religion.

His search was not an easy one. He has been looking for a long time and has been particularly interested in Religious traditions from Africa. The African continent is home to lots of unconventional churches and colorful preachers who employ all kinds of outlandish rituals to attract parishioners. In the past he has spoken about ministers spraying congregates with “holy” bug spray, making them drink motor oil or talking to God on the phone. The new addition to these African religious sects is the Gobola Church in Johannesburg in South Africa, which introduced some truly strange methods of worship.

Gobola Church, which has been in existence for only four months, worships God through heavy smoking and drinking.

At Gabola, baptisms are performed using the preferred alcoholic drink of parishioners. Alcohol is also consumed during sermons, with bottles of beer, whiskey and wine anointed by the church’s founder and resident bishop, Tsietsi Makiti. As crazy as the combination of alcohol and worshiping God may seem, Makiti has a very good reason for relying on it to attract congregates. He claims that the church’s mission is to welcome drinkers who had been rejected by traditional churches, providing a safe space to drink and also worship God.

Church masses are held in the local tavern from 11 to 3 during the day. The pastor usually doesn't mind continuing. The baptism process in the new church is original too, the priest baptizes with beer... the number of parishioners is growing!

We tried to compose prayers the whole day but could only make a toast. From religious ecstasy, the parrot has glassy eyes and has been slurring his speech. He seems to talk out of turn. Oh, everything is spinning...

August 7th

It's been a rough morning. I told the cat that a human rights group named in honor of former Sen. Robert F. Kennedy on Monday said that former President Barack Obama is among the winners of its "Ripple of Hope" award this year. We laughed together. The cat said that Guantanamo Prisoners don't appreciate this kind of humor.

Speaking of politics. It's a dangerous topic. Even an innocent debate on the Internet can end badly, as a recent case  in   TAMPA demonstrated clearly — Two men had an argument about politics on Facebook, but it didn't end there.

When things got heated, one showed up with a Glock and an AR-15 and shot the other in the thigh and buttocks. After that, he surrendered to the police.

August 8th

Once the mistress’ friend gave her a flower. She said that when it bloomed, she would get her personal life back on track. Yesterday the cat ate the flower. Today the mistress is sitting in the kitchen and crying.

August 9th

I heard today about a woman who was seen speeding through a stop sign at 60 mph who then told officers they shouldn’t arrest her because she’s a “very clean, thoroughbred, white girl.”

It happened in Bluffton, a town of about 21,000 residents about 20 miles northeast of Savannah, Georgia.

The parrot and I looked the town of Bluffton on the map for a long time. We tired, but it's now a matter of principle. The parrot eventually found it. He said that Bluffton is like the 'G-spot. Nobody knows where it is, but when you find it, it's amazing.'

August 10th

And at last, it seems we made an impression! The mistress's freak lover has been nowhere in sight for three days!

The parrot told me that in Texas, a woman in her sixties Shot a Masturbating Cyclist. She was taking out the trash from her house in Houston when she noticed a man masturbating while riding his bike. She was shocked by the spectacle and asked him to stop but he persisted, trying to break into her house. She fired one shot through the door, hitting the intruder in the chest. He immediately ran back to his bike and managed to pedal a few feet away from the house before collapsing. Paramedics rushed the unidentified man to a local hospital. He is in critical condition, but expected to survive. Maybe it was him, the mistress' ex-lover? He was a freak too.

We discussed the subject of freaks for awhile. The turtle said it's essentially fashionable now. Even in the UN. Today, it was reported that the UN Senior adviser for gender equality and empowerment of women Ravi Karkara is accused of sexual harassment against his subordinates.

He is currently under investigation for the sexual misconduct.      Sources who worked closely with Karkara told the Guardian that he abused his position of power to take advantage of young people who feared speaking out against the honor of an organization they aspired to be a part of. The allegations against Karkara range from making obscene gestures in the workplace to sending links to pornography. He has also been accused of sending messages inviting young men to masturbate, or asking them questions of a sexual nature. The turtle believes that  this is a trend nowadays. If he was harassing women, there would be a scandal, but when it happens with men its no big deal. Strange world we live in.

August 11th

The cat was depressed this morning. He stated that life is a nightmare that prevents one from sleeping.  It is a hobby and hard work at once for him. Very hard work, by the way, and he gets no gratitude. Despite all the times he has gotten locked in the storage room, the mistress nonetheless hides all the good food in the fridge and feeds him crumbs and leftovers.

The turtle suggested a strategy for the cat to get some fresh food. She told me that in Tennessee a black bear cub climbed up a tree from the creek near a restaurant onto the patio where some customers were eating. The bear surprised them. They obviously got up and left the food on the table. The bear then stood on the table and ate their pizza,

We supported the idea, but the cat thought a little and said that he didn't need to use a bear to get food. He said that he feared that others will think he's colluding with the Russians. It is enough that he's already black.

Author: El Duende