Duende Diary (VII)
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Photo: USA Really

Duende Diary (VII)


August 12th

There was no milk in my bowl this morning. I thought it was the cat who drank it. I poured out the milk from his bowl in revenge. It turned out that the mistress just forgot to pour my bowl of milk. Now I feel awkward about what I did to the cat. I told him a story I heard on TV about a cougar who broke into a house in Colorado and ate a cat. A mountain lion crawled into a Colorado home through a screen door and killed a family's pet house cat and fled into a canyon after wildlife officers shot it with non-lethal bean bag rounds to force it outside.

The cat said that it was all fake news because cats don't eat cats. Its absolute discrimination and disrespect to the cats. They are all brothers.

He looked at the map where Colorado is, then checked every window, he claimed he did it just in case, and suddenly disappeared.

The mistress spent the whole day running around the house looking for the cat. She thought he ran away, but he was hiding in the washing machine. He says he was in a thoughtful, contemplative mood today and it was the best place to do it. He lies. He is a coward, but I had to calm him down. I said cougars don't live in these areas, and the milk was drunk by flies. I promised to catch them in the name of justice. Now I'll have to negotiate with a spider about flies. I think at least two dozen flies will be needed. It's hard to maintain a relationship these days.

August 13th

I asked the turtle to bring the TV remote. No remote, no turtle. She showed up only 3 hours later. She says she's lost. The parrot and I thought about it and decided to put a control gear on her. We drew a diagram. The parrot said that the neighbors have a good children's building set we could use and promised to get the necessary spare parts. Tomorrow we will conduct the first flight tests.

August 15th

I didn't write anything yesterday. The whole day yesterday we did the control gear for the turtle. Then we searched for the turtle for a long time. She refused to be a pioneer. She was afraid that she would not handle the speed on her wheels. We had to dismantle the wheels. Nevertheless, the tests were successful.

We asked the parrot if we could call the turtle a robot now? Or maybe a trance-turtle?

The cat said that now everything was possible. In Germany, the government has legalized the third gender. Now, it is indicated in the civil registry books. Germany officially recognizing a 'third sex' other than male and female.

Germany has approved draft legislation that would add a third gender to options on official identity records. Germany's new law would allow intersex people to register as “divers,” which could be translated to “other,” according to Deutsche Welle.

Some LGBTQ activists, however, say the legislation isn't enough. The cat agrees with them. He said that the turtle could become the first turtle-gender.

Speaking of transgender people, Ms. Hallquist, a Vermont Democrat, made history Tuesday night by becoming the first transgender nominee for governor from either major party.

Have they not yet recognized a third gender in the US? And if she is, or whatever the hell it is, can, why not us to nominate a turtle-gender as a candidate?

August 16th

A man from Utah steals a plane and crashes it into his own house with his wife and child inside. Before that, he was accused of using violence against his wife and children.

Who is he, a kamikaze hero, a lonely psycho or a desperate husband? To what degree do you have to anger a man that he is ready to beat his wife in the head with a plane?

By the way, he didn’t succeed. The woman managed to run out. It means, someone again will have a bad luck.

The cat said this suicide attack was worthy of a Darwin Award. Personally, I think the cat is wrong. There are better candidates. And not only among people. Parrots, for example, should be included in the competition!

So, In London a runaway parrot spent 3 days on the roof of a house, and cursed at the firefighter trying to rescue it. Jessie, a macaw parrot, had escaped her home and spent three days on a neighbor's roof, according to a release from the London Fire Brigade. Animal welfare workers and Jessie's owner had unsuccessfully attempted to lure the bird down. They had reason to believe Jessie was injured, so they called firefighters for help.

Jessie's owner told firefighters to say "I love you," because it would help them bond with the bird. A firefighter climbed to the roof, looked Jessie in the eye and told the bird "I love you."

Jessie replicated" I love you, " but then began swearing. Firefighters were amused and tried to speak to Jessie in Turkish and Greek languages the bird is familiar with.

It soon became clear that Jessie was not injured. She flew to another rooftop and then another tree. On Monday afternoon, Jessie returned home on her own. Jessie's owner sent the Fire Brigade a video of the bird saying "thank you" after significant prompting.

So what's the problem? The parrot was indignant. The birds was cultural, well educated, knew three languages, he said. And these firefighters, the rough-and-tumble buggers, why were they picking on it?! They had to have been the ones who made the bird act this way. They were decent on camera, and actually, they themselves shouted and swore at the bird, so it just snapped! Particularly as it was so well-bahaved with them at the beginning, confessing his love. And then it told  them to screw off. They have themselves to blame. Parrots are all artists at heart, and anyone can offend an artist's sensibilities! Well, I think they need to be arrested for cruelty to animals and get them to a secret lab for experiments!

The parrot really stormed off! I even had to join the League for the protection of the rights of parrots, which he created.

The cat said the Los Angeles Police Department is investigating after a video surfaced showing a man jumping an enclosure at the Los Angeles Zoo and spanking one of the hippos. We decided that the Darwin Award is necessary to give to this idiot, and put hippos on the list of the League along with parrots.

August 17th

The cat shit under the bed. I asked him, why? He said it has gone out by itself. He was worried. He asked me where he could bury himself for a couple of days.

I told him there was a "poop patrol" in San Francisco. No, this is not a joke. People will walk and clean up after others. About $750 thousand budgeted to the search and confirmation of the fact that it's feces. Apparently, with expertise. A few million budgeted to clean up and monitor those who do it.

The program includes mobile bathrooms with staff on hand to make sure that people are using the facilities for their intended purpose.

August 18th

This morning the cat was satisfied and happy. He said the mistress didn't swear, but on the contrary, she poured him some milk and gave a double helping of delicious food. And guess why? Today is a Day of gratitude to black cats.

Celebrate Black Cat Appreciation Day, he announced.

He outlined the reasons why you must keep a black cat in the house.

  • Black cats look sleek and sophisticated.
  • They match any décor.
  • Holding a black cat is very slimming!
  • Black cats are great at hiding in the dark ( I know, a couple of times he was scared).
  • A lint brush isn't required for a black-tie affair.
  • Black cats are easy to name.

Anyway, I've been hearing lectures all day about how it is good to have a black cat.

August 19th

The electrician came. Asked to see the accounts. I gave it to him. What's the dumb habit of fainting? I brought water. He jumped up and ran away, but a very unpleasant smell remained. It seems not for nothing that in San Francisco Poop the patrol invented. It was not bad idea.

August 20th

The electrician came again. He had a long conversation with the hostess. Then he left or better say wheeled away on a bicycle. He left quickly, obviously, he was in a hurry. The cat assumed he was late for a bike race. He said that in Canada a man pedaled 650 Km to take part in 100 km bike race, won it, then pedaled the same distance back home.

Messier’s journey from Waterloo to Harrington took him 3.5 days to complete. After winning first place in the rural cycling race,he celebrated with some pizza, slept for a few hours in his tent, and then got started on the 3.5-day journey back home. And it gets even more remarkable still; Kyle was not only completely new to bicycle racing, but he also managed to win the 100-kilometer Big Red Gravel Run while suffering from an abscessed tooth.

August 21st

We watched Animal Planet with the cat. He says that all the lions are stupid  jocks and that they take steroids. It seems to me, he is just jealous.

I showed him the news about Robust Cat  who is TOO COOL TO BE HOMELESS!.  He is from Morton Grove, Illinois. His name is Bruno, he is a 7-year-old furball who is polydactyl, which means he has a few extra toes. He also has the kooky habit of standing on his hind legs. Because of his habit he’s now in pretty high demand.

According to Bruno, he's:

- Very "chatty"

-  25 pounds and "On a diet"

- Only likes his feather wand toy (but not the others!)

Duende Diary (VII)

The cat said that all the cats are cute. The great sages say that if a person leads a righteous life, then in the next life he will be lucky enough to become a cat in a decent family. And this one was just so lucky. All his popularity is "blown" like him. He, too, easily could be even more popular if he had grown the same belly. But first, it is harmful to health, and secondly, it is here and is well fed.

Author: El Duende