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Duende Diary (XII)
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Duende Diary (XII)

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Experts:

The mistress decided to go on a diet. She is sitting in the kitchen eating sausages and talking about the diet! At night! It looks like going on a diet and talking about a diet is the same thing in her mind.

We better put a lock on the fridge or get a dog and train it to protect the fridge from anybody who comes within three feet at night. Anybody except me, of course. I think it’s a good idea. Besides, a dog could be useful in many things. I read that a dog in a Czech village dug up a bronze treasure. Treasure would be great for us now. People say they are smart enough. It could be a new friend for me and help for my mistress to lose her weight. I believe it would help the cat lose weight too. And it would help him resume his immediate responsibilities. I mean spiders. I told him so many times to get rid of the spiders! A horde of one of the country’s  deadliest spiders has moved into a woman’s new home in Georgia. The new owners think the spiders may have been disturbed when construction work was being done on the walls.

Exterminators have been at the house multiple times, but the persistent spiders keep coming back. 

Now she’s prepared to take extreme measures to get rid of them—“Just burn it down!”  

19.09.18

The cat sheds. I’m sneezing. The mistress is praying to God. I bet she’ll call a priest with his censer again. It’s getting boring. I'm sick of it already. Last time he threw his Bible at me. And the Bible is a great book! I mean heavy.

They’re talking about the almost-raped Ford by the virgin Kavanaugh on TV all day again.It’s a strange story. It stinks of a setup. Ford says that when she was either 14, or 15 years old, she was really scared by Kavanaugh. She doesn't remember the exact year, but she recalls she didn't have a driver's license, but that her breasts had matured already. So, she was 14 to 15 years old, maybe. Anyway, she says she drank a bit of beer and wound up at some house or another (the strangeness never ceases). What and where the house was and who its owner was, she can't remember. She does remember that she only had a taste of beer though.

In this mysterious and nebulous house, she went to the second floor to the toilet (beer, you know, has an impact). But instead of the toilet, someone pushed her into the bedroom. She doesn't exactly remember who, but she thinks it was either Kavanaugh or another guy, Mark Judge or whatever, but since he's not running for Supreme Court, his name is not important. (Sorry again, it’s tough to type this)

It was at this point that Ford says she was pushed onto the bed and he fell on her. Who? She was almost certain that it was Kavanagh, but, maybe Mark, no, Kavanaugh, and Mark were laughing a lot. She was scared because she thought Kavanaugh would strangle her. Or Mark, or somebody.

The fact is (according to Ford), no rape occurred because she had prudently worn a one-piece swimsuit under clothing. She cannot recall whose house she was in or who was on top of her, but she does recall a swimsuit. Kavanaugh was completely drunk—she says she knows this for sure. Anyway, Ford went on to claim she managed to slip out, run to the bathroom and lock herself in. She heard her assailant, laughing loudly, and then leaving the room. It was then that she left. Just how she got home, she does not remember. She told nobody, neither her parents nor her friends because she was afraid to be accused of underage drinking.

Ford says she suffered terribly for 36 years, and that she even developed claustrophobia. She also contends that the experience caused her problems building relationships with men. This did not deter her from graduating from high school, then college, defending her thesis, then teaching at 2 Universities, getting married and so on. She suffered—that is what matters.

In 2011, her husband insisted that she go to therapy, and in the course of a psychotherapeutic session in 2013, she realized her pain was coming from that night in 1982. She did not think so before, but then it dawned on her.

Frankly speaking, nothing is clear to me. Who attacked who, whether it happened, where, why?

Although it is all clear even to the cat. It’s the political scrum. Politics is a dirty pursuit.

Although, why make an excuse for the U.S.? It's everywhere. In France, for example, the leader of the French party "National Association" Marine Le Pen was sent for a psychiatric examination because of Twitter posts. And it's not because of her increased popularity. Well, no, of course not.

Although sexual assault is much safer as an excuse. Tested for centuries. On the other hand, I read that Pope Francis called sex "a gift of God." Does he know it firsthand, especially with young boys?)) In the American dioceses, it’s for sure.

20.09.18

The vet came for the cat’s routine checkup. The cat shouted: "I will never give up!" and jumped out the window. I put the last nail in Obamacare's coffin, asking him how much are cat’s testicles going for today? The doctor muttered something about fake morphine and left without saying goodbye.

21.09.18

And here is what we were waiting for! The mistress's boyfriend came. I’ve heard that Russians have a tradition to welcome their guests with bread and salt. So I did it as Russians used to do: I welcomed him with bread and salt. I mean, with crumbs in his shoes and salt in his tea. I’m not sure that Russians do it this way, but I don't like guests. The cat told me I’m anti-social. He has his reasons. I'm a little off today.  In addition, the parrot predicted a wedding soon. He is a f…. oracle...

Speaking of weddings… the guests at one wedding here in the U.S. received some strange requirement from the wedding coordinator: Don’t talk to the bride, give money silently, don’t wear makeup, don’t get your hair done, and don’t film the wedding. Everyone had to give at least $75 or they weren’t let in.

Well, his requirements are clear, but what’s still unclear is what the $75 is paying for.

My life-experience shows that such ugly weddings end with an equally ugly divorce. For example, a millionaire from Oman tried to convince a judge in Britain that he had no money for his ex-wife. The man claimed that his property was illiquid and he had no money, but the judge didn't believe him, knowing that his lawyer cost $110,000. Thus, he hasn’t been able to prove a lack of money.

He's a foolish cheapskate. They're all cheapskates. Today I read that a UK resident jumped out of a taxi because it was too expensive and he died. Greed kills. However, it’s not only greed that kills: stupidity and envy do it too, and anger.

In Texas, a father and son were arrested and charged with first-degree murder over the death of their neighbor in a fatal mattress dispute.

Why are people so stupid and angry? Was the old mattress so important to these two machos? I don’t think so. They wanted to dominate, and now they will have to do it from behind bars. By the way, there’re no problems with mattresses there.

The parrot said people are crazy and told that park rangers arrested a tourist after he walked onto the Old Faithful geyser and apparently urinated into it in front of hundreds of horrified tourists at Yellowstone National Park. Wyoming resident Ashley Lemanski captured the incident on video, which also captured the incredulous reactions from tourists as the man appeared to unzip his pants and stand over the steaming geyser's mouth. The geyser erupts on an irregular schedule, every 35 to 120 minutes, sending superheated water more than 100 feet into the air. 

Over the past 100 years, dozens of people have been killed or injured by the park's hot springs and bubbling "mud pots."

People were afraid that the tourist would die. Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for humanity... What’s the difference between a person and an animal? The presence of the mind. Does humanity need a person who does not know how to think? I’ m not sure.

But maybe they were scared that the super volcano would explode? The guy adds some additional steam and raised the pressure. Now I understand them. Everyone’s afraid of the Yellowstone super volcano. By the way, the news about the tourist blowing off some steam was the only news the parrot read today. What's he thinking about? Then he says that we do not deserve any other news. It seems I'm not the only anti-socialite in the family.

22.09.18

I read today that AHLOT Company is looking for marijuana tasters in Toronto. The vacancy announcement appeared on their official website. Just imagine such a worker ... Imagine his mother calling him:

- Are you stoned again, son?

- Mom, this is my work...

And then he laughs into the phone… so provocatively…

It's boring here. Nothing happens. In Europe, for example, the Oktoberfest beer festival opened in Munich. The organizers expect more than 6 million guests. It’ll be fun there. Visitors will be able to drink beer, schnapps, shout songs, and jump on chairs for sixteen days. They call it a public festival. And the mistress's boyfriend came here instead of going to Bavaria. He's henpecked. That's all. Today I'm damn short and incredibly honest.

23.09.18

I can't sleep. I took my diary. I’m sitting on the refrigerator and writing. It’s three o'clock in the morning. The mistress gobbles sausage and thinks nobody sees her. She believes she’s on a diet. Such a strange diet. After all, we had to put a lock on the refrigerator. And then she has the audacity to complain about having a dream! How will you get enough sleep if you run to the fridge at night? By the way, some news about a dream:

Scientists from the American Mayo Clinic say they found the most harmful pose for sleep. According to the study, sleep on the abdomen can lead to back pain, tension in the neck, joints and tingling in the limbs. As for me, sleeping on the stomach may be harmful, but still the most harmful posture for sleeping is while driving

The mistress has gone, but I cannot sleep. I read on the internet that in the state of Maharashtra, India, there was a tragic incident that went far beyond prudence. The manager of a foundry there was trying to clean up the dust and small pieces of metal, and he was blowing it out the compressor onto one of his worker’s back and neck! Then he decided to take the joke further. He put the compressor in the guy’s butt, and, well, he died in the hospital from his injuries. The manager took off and police are searching for him now. Guess the joke’s over.

Although maybe he's one of the fighters for freedom and tolerance; I mean he’s gay. Here in Chicago, a priest of the local Roman Catholic Church held an exorcism session over the LGBT flag. As an excuse, the priest said he was not a homophobe and added that he "is as much a homosexual hater as Mother Teresa."  Of course he was immediately removed from his position.

Even God can't stand against LGBT today. I can't even imagine what they'd do to Him today for His joke with Sodom and Gomorrah. But at that time it was believed that He had done the right thing. In those times God was not tolerant and no one was. Well, now most Israeli cosmetics and healing mud are from those sodomite ashes. Everyone enjoys and praises it.

26.09.18

I was in really bad shape all day yesterday. No guts to write. But today I turned on the TV and there was Trump calling on all countries of the world to resist socialism. In his opinion, it "brings suffering everywhere." I wonder, what brings suffering to the US, if here there is no socialism here?

Then we were told that the UN General Assembly meeting was held with the participation of a baby. New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardenne, who recently gave birth, took her recently born baby and her diapers with her. While she was speaking at the peace summit, 3-month-old Neve Te Aroha’s father held her in his arms in the hall.

History repeats itself. In ancient Rome, Caligula took a horse to the Senate. Today, in Geogia, there’s a baby. It ended badly in Rome then. I'm afraid nothing good is waiting for us now.

cnn.com

Speaking of the UN General Assembly, Trump said there, "In Less than two years, my administration has achieved more than almost all other administrations in the history of our country." The laughter in the hall was an eloquent assessment of his work. That was a funny joke.

The Cat ran in and said that a woman who saved dozens of cats and dogs during hurricane Florence was arrested. According to information from CBS News, she was treating animals without a veterinary license. The cat yelled that he lives in a country of victorious idiocy. The woman should be rewarded and the officials who ordered her arrest should be neutered, because idiots don't have to breed anymore. It’s easy to take this to the point of absurdity and say you should never save anyone anywhere, when someone’s caught in a fire, or drowning, or in a car accident, or whatever. No medical license, no life-saving. You shouldn’t read the law if you’re not a lawyer!  He was furious for a long time. And I still threw gas on the fire, saying that cats in Britain are no longer in fashion.

In the UK, in nursing homes, guests will be offered to care for chickens. This idea was planted by the British charity organization "Crossroads Together,” which provides care for the elderly.

They believe that active birds better kill boredom and a bad mood than ever- sleeping cats. Therefore, nursing homes located in the British city of Rochdale (Manchester County) have been equipped with chicken coops. The project entails providing each nursing home with five birds.

However, chickens are in fashion in the U.S. too. They are bought by ordinary people and cared for as pets. They build houses with motion sensors and climate control for them. The buy them diapers, special food, luxury toys, and even clothes. Sooner or later, chickens will replace cats as the pets on Mt. Olympus.

Author: El Duende